Super Bowl Extra

NASHVILLE—I have walked between this old blue chair and the kitchen, bathroom, and guest bedroom of my mother's house for a total of nineteen minutes between stints watching the Green Bay Packers build a 21-10 halftime lead over the fucking Pittsburgh cheating Steelers to cover close to a mile. Oh. I've also made at least five round trips to the back porch.

Here's what you do when you're a fan; you worry about an eleven-point halftime lead. You know, know, it ain't nearly enough, that the fucking Steelers are about to ram it down your throat. You can't feel comfortable with anything less than a seventy-five point lead, at least not until there are fewer than thirty-seven seconds left in the fourth quarter. It's a miserable experience, truly.

Fuck halftime and the Black Eyed Peas. Let's play.

7:42 p.m. CST: Green Bay sucks. I wish I'd been born in 1969, and consequently a band-wagon-jumping-on fan of the Steelers, instead of the worst team in the history of professional football.

7:46 p.m. CST: My mother has Alzheimer's Disease, but is clear-headed enough to have just said, "We could lose this game," after Mendenhall ran over a half dozen Packers to put Pittsburgh within 21-17 with 10:19 left in the third quarter.

7:50 p.m. CST: A sack followed by a Packers punt. Fuck. It's over. We're going to lose by two-hundred points. Maybe more.

8:02 p.m. CST: On other hand, it helps that Mike Tomlin, the Steelers coach, is mentally retarded. He let his kicker attempt a 52-yard, which he missed, and now Green Bay has it at their 42.

8:09 p.m. CST: The Packers did shit with their opportunity. Why am I a fan of these losers?

8:15 p.m. CST: Here's our first review. Did the Packer catch it? No fucking way, I say, but we'll see. Mom said, "We need some luck."

8:19 p.m. CST: I was correct, and now the fucking Packers will punt.

8:27 p.m. CST: A turnover. Mendenhall fumbled, Pittsburgh's third turnover. Green Bay could win, maybe.

8:32 p.m. CST: "I'm glad I said a little prayer," Mom said, after Rodger's eight-yard touchdown pass to Greg Jennings gave Green Bay a 28-17 lead with 11:57 left in the fourth quarter. Alzheimer's Disease is overrated, and the Green Bay Packers are the best team ever.

8:46 p.m. CST: I really thought Green Bay would win, 64-2. Now, after the cheating motherfucking Steelers scored a touchdown and a two-point conversion to cut Green Bay's lead to 28-25 with 7:34 left, I no longer think that. Fuck. I wish the Packers weren't in the Super Bowl. I wish I thought these commercials were funny. I wish I was worried about the catastrophe my personal life has become. Really, that should be more important than a football game, right?

9:01 p.m. CST: After a field goal, Green Bay leads 31-26 with 1:59 remaining in the fourth quarter. Pittsburgh has it at its thirteen-yard line. Fuck. I just shit myself.

9:07 p.m. CST: Fourth and five. Incomplete. Green Bay wins. I'm happier than two motherfuckers, and will be until I wake up tomorrow. "The Green Bay Packers win the Super Bowl," Joe Buck said. "The Lombardi Trophy's going home." Mom said, "I'm glad."

9:27 p.m. CST: Man, I'm glad there are two months between now and my having to watch the Reds fuck up. I hate sports.